New tent review

A couple of years ago I bought a new tent, a Khyam Sherpa:

The Sherpa is a reasonable size for a single person, despite being billed as a 3-man tent, but then they always seem to assume that people are happy to squash in like sardines and don't have any luggage.  However, I have to say that it is possibly the worst tent I have ever owned.  Despite my best efforts, and the efforts of several friends, I have never managed to get this tent to go up without some difficulty and, once erect, it has never been 'square'.  It always seemed to bulge out to one side and no amount of adjustment would put it right.  I have broken four poles on it, and the inner tent ripped on the very first use.  I am convinced that the poles are actually too long, as one needs the strength of Geoff Capes to get the blasted things into their respective holes.   Indeed, after a few pole breakages, a friend replaced the broken sections and made them an inch shorter, which did help quite a bit, but I am still very unhappy with the tent.  The doors are a stupid design, a pain to negotiate and if it's been raining, as soon as you open a door, a sheet of water pours into the porch.  It also leaks at the bedroom end.  When unzipping the bedroom door in the morning, condensation drips into the bedroom and all over your dossbag.  I keep the Sherpa in a holdall, because its original bag split the very first time I used it.

Anyway, with a new rally season upon us, I decided that I'd had enough of fighting with the Sherpa, and bought myself a new tent, a Vango Omega 350.  

The Omega's pack size is much smaller and lighter than the Sherpa and I can get the Omega into my topbox, which means that if, necessary, I could carry a pillion to a rally, although I have no plans to make a habit of that.

I used the Omega for the first time this weekend and it was superb.  It was quick and easy to erect and the lightweight alloy poles are so much better than the fibreglass ones.  Despite the smaller pack size, the tent is much bigger, being taller, wider and longer.  The pole sections are shorter than with most tents, which is why the pack size is smaller.  The tent comes with a 'bucket' groundsheet which clips into the porch so that it doesn't slide around.  If there's one thing I don't like about it though, the groundsheet clips are so strong that I couldn't get them undone again.  Three of my friends had a go at it and only one of them could undo them, and he hurt his thumbs doing so.  I intend to put some mini carabiners on instead, so that I have a fighting chance of removing them myself.

The O-shaped bedroom door is a great design.  It can be unzipped from the top or the bottom, which makes me happy; I like to unzip it from the top, but I couldn't do that in the Sherpa, because the zip only worked from the bottom.

Although it rained during the night, the inside of the tent remained as dry as a bone, both bedroom and porch.  There's lots of pockets down either side of the inner tent, big enough to hold my torch and other bits and bobs.  Other great features are the tension bands, which are designed to stop the tent bowing in high winds, the way that the bedroom door fits into a pocket to keep it out of the way when it's open and, best of all, the tent can be packed away with the inner tent still attached, making pitching quicker next time.

When it was time to put the tent down, I anticipated a battle to get it into the bag, yet it went in very easily.  Well, it did the second time I tried, once I removed my lantern from the bedroom.  Oops.

So, all in all, I love the Omega.  I hope to have many happy camping trips in it.  I should have bought a Vango in the first place; they've always had a superb reputation for quality and they are very good value for money. 

Move over!

I don't know if it was the rain that was addling people's brains on the M61 at dinnertime today, but I passed no fewer than 9 cars in close convoy in the second lane, whilst the first lane was empty for miles.  Are they scared of the first lane?  Do they think that if they use it, they will somehow be magically transported to a parallel dimension?

I actually wonder if some of this second-lane-hogging could constitute 'driving without due care and attention', because at least two of them were on mobile phones, one had his finger so far up his nose that he could probably have scratched the back of his own eye, and another was gripping the steering wheel for grim death and staring straight ahead with a grimace that could frighten the devil himself.

Dear road users...

This is a 'Give Way' sign.  What it means is 'Give Way', not 'put your foot down and drive straight at any vehicle coming the other way'. 

This is also a 'Give Way' sign. What it means is 'Give way to oncoming vehicles', just in case you can't tell from the words 'Give way to oncoming vehicles' written under the nice little picture.

Just in case you aren't aware, this is a sign 'giving an order'.  It is not a 'give way if you feel like it, but don't bother if you're in a hurry'; it is a legal requirement: Laws RTA 1988 sect 36 & TSRGD regs 10(1),16(1) & 25.  It's there to stop you crashing into people.

This also applies to drivers travelling through Chew Moor and Lostock, where driving standards seem to be particularly poor.  If your side of the road has parked cars on it and there isn't enough room for two cars to pass each other safely, don't just drive at the oncoming vehicles, giving their drivers dirty looks for having the audacity to have the right of way.  Wait ten seconds for the road to clear, and then go.

Where there's a 20mph speed limit, it's there for a reason, rather than to annoy you personally.  Obey it and stop tutting at those who do obey the law.  More so, don't overtake them in anger and then nearly run into an oncoming bus, like the idiot I saw last week.

Straight from the horse's arse.

According to the news on the radio yesterday, the 'horsemeat' scandal has caused a 43% drop in the purchase of supermarket burgers.  Well that's hardly a surprise, is it? 

Giles Coren, writing in The Times, sums it up extremely well:

"What on earth did you think they put in them? Prime cuts of delicious free-range, organic, rare breed, heritage beef, grass-fed, Eton-educated, humanely slaughtered, dry-aged and hand-ground by fairies with a pinch of pink Murray River salt and a twist of black pepper?
 
"Jesus, no. At those prices (you pay only £1 at Tesco for a cheeseburger complete with bun, cheese and a portion of fries), I’d have thought a mouthful of Shergar is the least of your problems.
 
"Listen to the product name. When your first three words are “frozen”, “everyday” and “value”, that means almost by definition that the fourth word (in this case, randomly, “beef”) is to be taken with an armful of Maldon.
 
...

"It’s only 29 per cent horse, for God’s sake. What do you think the other 71 per cent is? It’s sure as hell not from a beef cow I would eat. Nor the bits of it you want to think about either. At that price, you’re into scrotum, eyelid, foreskin, lungs, mechanically reclaimed connective tissue ... the sort of scrapings from the abattoir floor that could only be improved by a nice bit of horse’s arse."


Tesco is now announcing that they will start to sell more British meat, rather than imported from abroad.  That makes me happy, not only because it will be supporting British farmers, but also because it will reduce the number of 'food miles', reducing the environmental impact.  I never did think it was sensible to transport animals and meat thousands of miles from abroad when there's plenty here in the UK already.  For some supermarkets, though, it's already too late.  The Vegetarian Society reports that it has had a massive increase in the number of 'hits' on its website, and omnivores are abandoning the supermarket meat shelves in favour of local butchers, where the butcher knows exactly where the meat has come from.  Hopefully, this will lead to a revival of our dying high streets.

For the past couple of decades, the general public has sleepwalked into a trance when it relates to shopping.  So many people just go to the supermarket and buy all of their produce there because that is what they have been trained to do.  Everything under one roof, convenience, free parking and supposedly cheap prices have duped people into forgetting that other shops exist, and all the while, the prices have slowly risen and most people have just accepted it.  

Not me.  I stopped shopping in supermarkets several years ago, because I realised that most of the food products they sold were just expensive rubbish.  On the very rare occasions I do go into my local supermarket, I usually have a look at the 'reduced' shelf, to see if there's anything worth having.  It's very rare that there is.  I look at some of the items there and think "That is a product I would NEVER buy; in fact I wouldn't even take it if it was being given away for free", for example the ready made burger-in-a-bun, to be heated in a microwave.  Even thinking about it now makes me feel nauseous. Why on earth anyone would want to buy ready-mashed potato in a plastic, film-covered tub, for heating in a microwave is beyond me.  It takes only 10 minutes to boil a potato and mash it yourself, for a fraction of the cost.  Just how lazy does one have to be?  Not only that, but you then chuck the plastic tub in the bin, which eventually (almost always) ends up in landfill.  You're wrecking the planet because you're bone idle, but that's a rant for another day.

Come on Britain.  Wake up!

New Year neighbours from hell

What is it about New Year that makes some people think that it's OK to make their neighbours' lives a misery?  

The house over the road from me has been emitting loud bass music since 16:00 and the garden appears to be full of vacuous squealing women.  People have been turning up in cars and beeping their horns because they are too bloody lazy to get out and actually talk to someone and there's a gang of teenage lads in their front bedroom who appear to be headbutting each other.

The music is so loud that even when I put my headphones on to listen to some music, the neighbours' bass beat can be heard over it.   One of the other neighbours has already been round to ask them to turn it down, but there's been no noticable change.

I have, of course, whinged about this on Facebook and some of my friends have suggested that I call the Police.  However, despite the fact that I am bloody annoyed, I do accept that this is probably the busiest night of the year for the Police, and a noisy party is the least of their worries.  I'd rather not bother them, and let them get on with dealing with more serious matters.  In the meantime, I will just sit here, quietly fuming.

All I wanted was a quiet night in on my own, a little time to sit, think and be peaceful, but now all I have are angry throughts about how inconsiderate others can be.

Taking laziness to the next level

This morning, around 10:30, I saw a girl wearing a onesie, walking her dog.  I might have accidentally said 'lazy cow!' in a voice rather louder than was necessary.  However, I stand by my comment.  What has the world come to when people are happily slobbing around town in their nightwear?  They look absolutely ridiculous!  This morning's specimen was resplendent in zebra stripes and looked like an oversized toddler.

The thought did strike me, though, that as it appears that the latest fashion is to wear one's pyjamas around town, do these people wear their day clothes in bed?  Do they sleep in a shirt and jeans?  It'd make as much sense.

Bloody ambulance chasers

On my way into work this morning, I followed a car which was advertising one of those 'ambulance chasing' services.  It read something like "Had an accident?  Claim today and get a free iPad!"

I really hate these companies.  By pushing everyone into the compensation culture, they have also pushed up insurance costs for everyone, and caused more and more organisations to introduce stupid 'rules' and restrictions based upon spurious risk assessments carried out by idiots.  They are nothing but greed-mongers.

Sometimes, people have to accept that the reason they tripped is because they're a clumsy oaf who wasn't looking where they were going; the reason they got scalded is because they are too stupid to know that a hot cup of coffee is, erm, hot.  There's not always someone else to blame.

I'm sure that the promise of a free iPad will encourage a few more wastrels to claim, not because they have a case, but simply because they want an iPad.  Those who have genuine reasons to claim will, I hope, go to reputable companies who don't need to offer free gifts to get business.

Affordable housng and the scandal of empty homes

Government Minister Mark Prisk believes that building new homes is the answer to the problem of rising rents and the lack of affordable homes.

I disagree.  

According to the 'Empty Homes' website, in November 2011 there were 720,000 empty homes in England, and 930,000 in the whole of the UK, of which approximately 350,000 are long-term empty.  

Why then, if there are so many empty homes, does the Government keep insisting that we need to build new homes, and is even considering relaxing the Green Belt laws in order to permit house building in our precious countryside?  Surely they should be trying to fill the existing empty homes before building new ones?

I accept that many of these homes are not currently fit for habitation, but there are plenty of builders, joiners, plumbers, electricians, etc. out there whom, I am sure, would welcome the opportunity to work at putting these places to rights.  Those homes which are beyond repair could be demolished and replaced with new homes on the same sites. 

Only when these empty homes have been tackled, and all of the brown field sites used up, should anyone even think of debating the destruction of our Green Belt.  Hopefully, it will never come to that.

It's disgusting...

The number of people who can't spell the word 'disgusting' is absolutely disgusting!

Since I joined Facebook, I have been both amazed and horrified at the number of people who don't seem to be able to spell even simple words correctly.  The latest such word which really raises my hackles is 'discusting'.  There is no such word.  Here is a simple reminder:

Discuss - to debate or consider
Disgust - to offend or sicken

Stop flashing at me!

The latest 'design feature' of some modern cars appears to be headlamps which are activated by a light sensor because, as we all know, drivers are far too stupid to realise that it's going dark and you'll need to switch them on yourself.

Yesterday, such a vehicle followed me for a couple of miles through an area with trees at the side of the road.  Despite the fact it was daylight, each time the car went past one a slightly more dense clump of trees, the headlamps came on for a few seconds and then went off again.  This might not have been so bad if it was a little car, but it wasn't.  It was a Hummer; an unnecessarily huge behemoth of a vehicle which is totally out of place on our little country lanes and, as is common with very large vehicles, the headlamps are positioned higher up, so that the beam reflects in the rear-view mirror and then vapourises one's retinas.  Oh yes, and whilst I'm ranting about it, why on earth do people still find it fashionable to have bullbars on vehicles which are never ever likely to see a bull?  It's not bloody Pamplona, you know!

Setting a President?

Over the past few days, I've heard at least three people on the radio and television referring to 'setting a president'.  I'm pretty sure that they really mean to say 'setting a precedent'.

Geographically challenged

Whilst I'm ranting about people in the media getting it wrong, here's another one:

I heard a BBC Radio 4 presenter refer to the BBC's new base at MediaCityUK as being in "Salford, in Manchester".  Wrong!.  The city of Salford is located next to the city of Manchester.  Salford is not a city within a city.

Honestly, BBC, I thought Radio 4 was supposed to be the best you have to offer.  You might at least learn where your studios are located.

The non-existent car

Whilst listening to the radio yesterday morning, I heard the presenter refer to an episode of Only Fools and Horses, and said that Del and Rodney, dressed as Batman and Robin, got out of a Robin Reliant.

This simple sentence annoyed me for two reasons.  

Firstly, what really irritates me, is when people refer to the vehicle as a 'Robin Reliant'.  No it's not!  It's a 'Reliant Robin'.  'Reliant' is the name of the manufacturer.  You don't hear people talking about a Fiesta Ford, or an Astra Vauxhall, or a Corolla Toyota, so why do so many people refer to Robin Reliants?

Secondly, the vehicle in Only Fools and Horses wasn't even a Robin, it was a Regal.  Get it right, please, folks.

Pablo's Olympic Rant

Today, I present a guest rant from Pablo:

Is it just me, or has the Olympic spirit been hijacked by consumerism and global commercialism? Or is it just the Government which has rolled over and allowed foreign-owned global companies to take ownership of all that should provide guidance and good rôle models for future generations?

The Olympic Games should promote the twin ideals of competition and fitness.  Ok, three ideals, competition, fitness and health.   And  a spirit of international friendship.  OK, four, then.  Interesting to see the major sponsors of the Olympics entering into that spirit, isn’t it?

McDonalds?  A major sponsor of a major sporting event promoting health and competition?  Yeah, right.   A global company which has expanded by shamelessly marketing junk food to one of the most vulnerable groups in society, our children, then relies on the witter factor, and that wonderful bit of human psychology, peer pressure, the need to follow like sheep, to ensure that if you don’t take your kids to McDonalds, they will feel excluded by their friends. So they grow up on a diet of McNuggets (mechanically processed chicken, mixed with a number of chemicals) and each helping providing over 60% of your daily sodium intake (the main cause of high blood pressure) and over 40% of your recommended maximum fat intake.   Vitamins?   You have to be joking!

And that is before you add the fries (mechanically processed potatoes, NOT even proper chips, note) and their own load of coated sugar and salt to make you crave for more.  So much for the healthy.  If you want to read their ingredient lists, click here.

But what of the competition?   McDonalds apparently have enough financial clout to create their own chip monopoly without actually selling chips themselves.  They have banned their smaller competitors from selling chips unless they are as an integral part of fish and chips.  Want chips with your burger?  Sorry, mate, you will have to go to McDonalds. And have fries.

I could say more about McDonalds, but I won’t.   So what of the other major sponsors?  On the news this morning was a piece about that purveyor of sporting goods, Adidas.  They promote health, fitness and competition, don’t they?  Well, not exactly.  So far as I know, there are two mainstream sporting brands who market to the brand conscious.  The other is Nike.  Go in any McDonalds and the place is full of sporting wannabees.  If they aren’t wearing England football shirts, they will almost certainly be wearing Adidas or Nike kit and, given, that the lifetime diet of supersized 'happy meals' has ensured that anything other than the most gentle exercise will probably kill them, you have got to wonder at the power of advertising and the need to follow the crowd.  I would guess that the majority of branded sports kit has never been worn on the track, sportsfield or in the gym.

But this is not my point.  My point is that the major sponsor of the Olympics, Adidas was reported on this morning’s news as having banned all children taking part in the opening ceremony from wearing any branded trainers other than Adidas.  

Competition, fitness and health?  My arse! Will I be watching the Olympic Games? No, you will find me headed in the opposite direction on two wheels. At least there will be less traffic on the roads.

Cold callers

I have a sticker on my front door.  It's right at eye-level, so you have no excuse for missing it.  It says "No Cold Callers.  Please do not knock."  There's a second, less polite sign, in the window to the left of the door, specifying that I don't want to be disturbed by salesmen, canvassers, hawkers, charity representatives or god botherers.

Despite that, on Monday, someone from SafeStyle UK knocked, and then apologised when I pointed out the sticker, and then said "but seeing as you're here now, can I just ask you...".  He was really surprised when every question he asked was met with 'No'.  His parting shot was "If you just let me do a quotation, you don't have to buy anything, but I'll get a commission."  Strangely enough, my answer to that was also "No", as I shut the door in his face.

I know times are hard, but I really really object to doorstep sales.  I will never ever buy anything on the doorstep and it really annoys me when chancers ignore the sign, in the hope that I'll be nice to them.

It is now a criminal offence in the UK to ignore such signs.  I WILL report you.

Take a hint.  Get lost.

Wheat-free and breathing easy

Earlier this year, having suffered breathing problems for all of my life, I finally saw a consultant who told me that I was displaying the classic symptoms of wheat allergy.  I was confused.  People who suffer from wheat allergy just have bad guts, don't they?  My friend Brynjar has coeliac disease and I remember how dreadfully ill he was before he was diagnosed.

Apparently, I was wrong.  Wheat allergy can also cause breathing problems including a tight chest and throat, nasal congestion, itching and swelling in the mouth and throat, itchy rashes on the skin, itchy and watery eyes.  In fact, all the symptoms that my doctors and I had, for many years, put down to my hayfever and perennial rhinitis.

So, I have done my best to stop eating wheat.  It's not actually been that difficult, although there have been odd times where I have fallen off the waggon, only to regret it when I can't breathe about twenty minutes later.  I have also discovered that eating wheat gives me bellyache.  I've always had regular gutache but put it down to poor diet.  However, since stopping eating wheat, I find that my guts are much happier and I feel much less lethargic and headachy too.

I have discovered that most supermarket-bought gluten-free bread is rubbish.  It's very expensive, falls apart easily and is useless for sandwiches - most of it ends up in your lap as the slice collapses.

Last weekend, I went to Beverley Folk Festival, where a lovely lady called Catherine was selling gluten-free galettes.  Inspired by how nice they were (I ate rather a lot of them), I decided to look up the recipe and came across a cracking website called 'Gluten-Free Girl and the Chef'.  Like Brynjar, the author has coeliac disease, and she has written a book about food.  Not just any old book, mind, a book about the foods you CAN eat, rather than the ones you can't, as well as stories and tips on a gluten-free life.  She and her husband have also written a cookery book.  

Anyway, go and read her blog, it's brilliant.

Damning with faint praise

The Manchester Evening News congratulates the 'Winners' of Duke of Edinburgh Awards.

Yes, congratulations to them, but I take issue with the description 'winners'.  You do not 'win' a Duke of Edinburgh Award.  It's not a competition or a prize draw and to describe the recipients as 'winners' is extremely insulting.  The writer of the piece clearly has no idea what the award scheme is about.  You have to work damned hard to achieve the award and I have great respect for anyone who makes the grade.  It shows commitment, dedication, determination and hard graft as well as a desire to serve others and be a good citizen. 

Well done to all of you.

All stuck up

The warning on the packet of superglue states "Take care when piercing the top, as the glue flows freely"

This should be changed to "Pierce top at arms length, as the glue will spurt out and cover your hands in it.  Take care to keep fingers spread before it sticks them together, and to everything else, leaving very little glue left to do the job you actually wanted it for."

Thought for the Day

"Just because you're breathing, doesn't mean you're alive."

Guy Martin

Spitting feathers

Why don't coffee/tea shops open in the evenings?  All the 'chain' coffee shops seem to be closed by 8pm.  Does nowhere stay open until 10pm (other than in London?).

Not everyone wants to sit in a pub :o( 

Happy New Year

OK, I'm a few days late, but what the hell.  I posted on Facefaff a few days ago that I really don't get this whole 'happy new year' thing.  It's just another day, not much different from the day before.   People told me off for being grumpy, but they should know by now that I'm grumpy most of the time.

The choice of programmes on TV over the Christmas break was, frankly, rubbish and, in the main, not worth watching.  However, Christmas dinner with the folks was lovely, and New Year's Eve in the company of good friends was nice too.  I was visited by a couple of friends I've not seen for ages, ate far too much but only got drunk once.  I had a great time with Stone the Crows, watching the Mummers Play and doing the fiddling thing whilst they danced.

So, if it's a new year, what else is new?  Well my house is still a tip, I still haven't cleaned my bike. the weather is crap and my campervan roof leaks.  Ho hum.  Happy New Year everyone.  Here's to more fiddling, more dancing and more drinking :o)

More eggs to suck

Stockport Council has decided that pensioners are stupid.  The Council obviously has no idea how these poor ancient beings have managed to exist for so long and have decided to give them some patronising tips on how to survive even longer.

These tips include:

• To wear bright or fluorescent clothing to make sure that they are seen during the day, especially in dull or misty weather - but remember that fluorescent clothes won’t show up after dark
• To wear reflective clothing which will show up in car headlights at night
• Plan the routes that they take to include safer crossing places

The daft thing is, that the person who came up with those bright ideas was probably taught road safety as a child - by his or her parents - the very people they are now trying to teach to suck eggs.  How do these people think that the previous generation ever survived?

I take issue with this idea that everyone should wear bright clothing too.  Yes, of course it is sensible to make sure you can be seen, and I see many people who ride bicycles at night, with no lights, and wearing dark clothing.  However, to suggest that everyone should wear bright or fluorescent clothing during the day is ridiculous.  We will probably end up with a situation where everyone wears bright clothing and no-one at all stands out, because they are lost in a sea of other bright clothing. It's called masking.  Can't see the wood for the trees, as it were.

I also worry that there may come a day when the money-grabbing insurance companies, from whom it is already difficult to extract payment in the event of an accident, will turn the blame on the victim of a collision, on the grounds that they weren't wearing high visibility clothing.  After all, it wasn't the driver's fault that he didn't see the man he hit, because he wasn't wearing a reflective jacket ...

I have a friend who, like me, rides a motorcycle, and a couple of months ago, we discussed the idea of the requirement to make every biker wear a reflective jacket.  She insisted that if all bikers wore them, like she does, they would be less likely to be knocked off.  Less than a week later, she was hit from behind, whilst stopped at a roundabout, and was hurt.  She is still in pain from her injuries.  Her hi-vis jacket made not one jot of difference.  Some drivers, no matter what others are wearing, will just not see them because they don't look, because they're busy texting on their mobile phones, applying makeup, shaving, reading a map, looking for an address or just not paying attention. 

So, whilst preventive measures by vulnerable road-users or pedestrians should not be dismissed, there should be a greater emphasis on educating people and teach them the observation skills required to be a safe driver or rider.

Britain's First Photo Album

Broadcaster, John Sergeant recently visited Bolton's Market Place whilst filming a new series entitled 'Britain's First Photo Album'.

According to the Bolton News, he said "Bolton Market Place is lovely; structures like this in other parts have been destroyed.  In any normal high street all the shops are exactly the same, what makes Bolton different is the structure, the architecture, and we have to hold on to this space."

What a shame then, that he didn't come to see it before its heart and soul was ripped out a few years ago and turned from this:

to this:

Bolton Market Place used to be a thriving shopping place, busy at any time of the day.  Now it's mostly used as a cut-through for people wanting to stay out of the rain.  They have ruined it.  They took a wonderful, unique market with many fantastic stalls, told the traders to get out, and turned it into a stone and glass monstrosity with a huge empty space in the middle; a clone of any other modern shopping mall in the country.  Half of the shop units are empty and Bolton has lost a beautiful and useful asset.  Congratulations.

Texts sent to householders to encourage recycling

Which idiot came up with this money-wasting idea?

Millions of people across the country are losing their jobs, and the Government wants to spend a fortune on sending pointless text messages to people to thank them for recycling, or to remind them to put their bins out.  If I got one of those messages, I would be very very annoyed.  If they want to save some money, I suggest they sack the waste of space who dreamed up this ridiculous scheme.

Perhaps they also want to text parents to remind them to take their kids to school, or employees to remind them to go to work?

Scratch, scratch, scratch

Why do clothing manufacturers insist on making their labels from the scratchiest possible material?  You sit there, getting irritated by the damn things until you resort to cutting them off and then hope for the best that you have the right settings when you come to put a wash on.  Yes, Regatta, I'm looking at you here!

Next time...

What is it with TV programme makers that they have to go and spoil everything by wasting five minutes at the end of each programme telling us what will happen in the next episode?  I don't want to know!  I'll watch the next episode to find out, so don't ruin the surprise for me now.  Doctor Who and Torchwood are the worst culprits at the moment.  Why give away most of the plot for the series at the end of the first episode? 

Of course it could be worse.  Some of the commercial stations have programmes that spend the first five minutes telling you what you're about to see, then they show it to you, then then spend five minutes reminding you what you've just seen and then spend five more minutes telling you what you will see after the advertisement break.  Then you get what feels like quarter of an hour of adverts, and then the programme resumes by telling you what you saw before the break, what you're about to see in the next section and what you're going to see later on in the programme.  I bet if you stripped out all of the repetitive material, there would only be ten minutes original stuff in the whole hour.  I can't believe companies actually pay for this crap.

When I was a kid, there was a TV programme called 'Why Don't You?' and the programme opened with "Why don't you just switch off your television set and go and do something less boring instead?"  I have been doing just that lately, and you know what?  I actually get things done instead of allowing my brain to turn to grey goo.  Great, isn't it?

and the Traffic Management of the Year Award goes to...

Manchester Airport (Terminal 1).

From the M56 link road, there are two lanes into the car park at Terminal 1. That's the pink line on this map. One lane goes into the drop-off point and the other into the main car park. Great idea. At least it was, until some wally decided to merge the two lanes right at the car park entrance, where a third lane joins (the grey line).

So, you have three lanes, all merging into a single lane within 25 yards of the entrance to the car park,and to make it even better, there are absolutely no signs anywhere on the two-lane slip road which tells you that this is going to happen, until you get to the end and see the white arrow painted on the road surface. The resulting single lane then gives you the option of taking the left-hand entrance to the drop-off point or the right-hand entrance to the car park. Genius!

Surely it would be far more sensible to mark the left lane as being for the drop-off point and the right lane for the car park (seeing as there are two separate entrances) and then you don't need merge the two lanes at all. Oh, sorry, that would be the sensible thing to do, wouldn't it?

Surfing Tommies

This evening, H and I went to see Surfing Tommies at Bury Met. I wasn't really sure what to expect, and from the description on the website, it didn't seem to be 'my thing', but I'm glad to say I was completely and utterly wrong.

I'm not going to tell you the story, because there's a summary on their website, but it made me laugh, it made me cry and it made me think. I was mightily impressed by the versatility of the actors, and by the clever use of the set. The whole production was superb.

I can highly recommend it, so if you live anywhere near where they're touring next, do go and see it. You won't be disappointed.

Please put the item in the bag!

Supermarket bosses have come up with this brilliant new idea to annoy their customers. Firstly, they introduce self-service tills, so that customers can scan and pack their own items without the inconvenience of having to interact with another human being. Then they reduce the number of open checkouts, so that the queues at the ones staffed by real people are horrendously long. The supermarket I visited this morning had only one proper checkout open. This 'encourages' the customers with few items to go to the self-service tills where it often takes them far longer to process their shopping than it would if they had waited in the queue at the other one.

How so? Well firstly, the machine yells at you in a very loud voice to "Please scan an item". So, you scan the item and before you even have chance to draw breath, it yells "Please put your item in the bag!", so you put it in the bag. However, the machine doesn't recognise the fact that you've done this and yells again "Please put your item in the bag! Please put your item in the bag! Please put your item in the bag!" until you take out the item and then put it back in again. Then it yells "Unexpected item in the bagging area, please remove the item." So you remove it and it yells at you again: "Please put your item in the bag!" So you do, and it yells "Please scan an item!"

You attempt to scan the next thing, but it doesn't recognise the bar code, so you faff around for ages to get it to scan and put it in the bag. Again, it yells "Please put your item in the bag!" - but you already have done, so it just carries on yelling at you until the assistant comes to tell the machine to shut up. By this time, you have completely lost your temper and have resorted to shouting obscenities at the machine which, being a machine, neither hears nor cares.

This morning, after such an experience, I asked the assistant if these self-service tills were just a way of avoiding having to employ more staff on the checkouts, and she told me that the staff at that supermarket hate them, and they wish that people would boycott them because they are more trouble than they are worth. They consider it a punishment if they are assigned to monitor the self-service tills because they are such a pain. I told her that if they could at least reduce the volume on the damn things, it would help, and she said that they used to be able to but the new software 'upgrade' removed that option. Great.

Arrests at Stonehenge summer solstice celebration

"About 20 people were arrested for minor drug offences during summer solstice celebrations at Stonehenge.

English Heritage said more than 18,000 revellers gathered at the prehistoric site in Wiltshire to witness the sunrise on the longest day of the year."

So that's about 0.001% of the people attending who were arrested. That's not a news story, that's just a headline to give a beautiful ceremony a bad name. Why can't people write nice headlines about these wonderful events?

Getting Spicey

Almost all receipes requiring the addition of dried spices give the measurements in teaspoons.

Why, then, do the manufacturers of those little jars of spices, not make the necks of those jars big enough to get a teaspoon in?

What a Lightmare!

Regular readers of my blog will be only too aware of my hatred of high-intensity headlamps and brake lights. So, I'm very pleased that someone has launched a campaign to highlight (pun intended) the problems that these retina-scorchers cause.

Go on over to Lightmare and sign the petition!

Is Audi the new Volvo?

For many years, Volvos were the cars to watch out for, particularly if you ride a motorbike. With their side-impact bars, airbags, ABS and other so-called safety devices, the drivers were shielded from reality, secure in the knowledge that if they had a crash, they would be safely cocooned in their padded cage.

I used to wonder if it was the case that bad drivers bought Volvos, or that previously reasonably-good drivers were lulled into crapness by all these devices designed to take the responsibility away from the driver.

However, given the standard of driving I've witnessed recently, I am now convinced that the Audi is the new car of choice for the crap driver. Almost every 'bad driving' incident I have seen in the past few months has involved a black Audi. Tailgating, speeding, running red lights, drivers using mobile phones, drivers not wearing seatbelts, driving up pavements because they can't be bothered to wait for the vehicle in front to turn right, taking up two parking bays in busy car parks because they are unable to park straight or overtaking motorbikes and pedal bikes and then turning across their path. The list is not exhaustive.

This morning's incident made me shudder. A bloke on a bicycle was approaching a pinch-point in the road. As he moved out to go through it, the driver of the black Audi in front of me decided he wasn't going to slow down to wait for the cyclist to go through, so he drove round the cyclist and pushed in front of him - with only about 6" longer than the car to spare. This forced the cyclist off the road and he had to stop, in order to avoid getting knocked off. The Audi driver sped off down the road without, I suspect, a backwards glance. The cyclist was clearly shaken.

Now this rant was supposed to be just about crap driving, but I've been told I also have to mention the over-dark tinted windows so you can't actually see the driver (and presumably so the driver can't see cyclists), the blinding LEDs which show you where the headlamps are, and the apparent failure of Audi to provide an off-switch for the foglamps or a functioning indicator switch. There is also my constant frustration at the inability of drivers to use a handbrake, preferring instead to keep their foot on the brake and blinding those behind them with their extra-high-intensity eye-level brake lights. Yes, I know some cars have electronic parking brakes. I hate those too, and so does everyone I know who has a car with one fitted.

I think it's about time we got rid of all of these devices and made drivers actually think and drive for themselves, and put the responsibility firmly back on to the driver, not the machine.

More linguistic grumbles

The bloke on the news said that Tommy Docherty has a very unique situation. 'Very unique'? Either it's unique or it's not!

On an amusing note, Eilish is collecting examples of the misuse of the word 'literally'. Here's a couple she's found so far:

Radio Scotland, 18 March: "My head literally began to spin at the thought of it".

Apparently George Osborne is "Literally cutting corners"

"Literally handbags at dawn"

"Stallone is literally about to explode"

Anyone got any more?

Daily chuckle

Every morning on my way into work, I see a man and his daughter walking to school with their cocker spaniel. Every time I see the spaniel, she has something in her mouth, and either man or daughter is trying to remove it. Yesterday it was a paper plate, this morning she was dragging a bin bag. Other days she has foraged plastic bottles, cans, crisp packets, broken umbrellas, popped footballs, a shoe and a pizza box.

I love that dog, she makes me laugh every time I see her. I don't know what's funniest, the happy look on her face as she finds something else to carry, or the exasperated look on the owners' faces as they try to extricate the latest 'find'. As soon as they've taken one thing away, the dog just picks up something else and looks ever so pleased with herself.

Personally, I think they should carry a plastic bag and let the dog pick up litter on the way home and, that way the route will gradually get tidier.